Coming Home

Being an Army wife, I watch Army Wives on Lifetime (cliche I know!). One of the soldiers died on the last episode. While I watched I was balling my eyes out because 1. I`m pregnant 2. That was my biggest fear. It is weird to think that almost 2 years ago Matt left for Afghanistan & almost a year ago he returned. I missed him so much, he was always on my mind. And to be honest always in the back of my head was the thought he could never come home.

So this morning when he came in from PT, I went up to him & hugged him & started crying. Now my husband has learned that while I`m pregnant I just start crying for no reason. He is use to it but I told him I actually have a reason this time. I was thankful to the Lord that he made it through that year safely & that we will most likely never have to go through that again. It is so easy to take him for granted. My husband can be messy, he leaves a trail of clothes when he comes in, tracks in dirt, can`t seem to throw his dirty clothes in the hamper & all the other things husband do that annoy us wives. Some days he makes me want to scream, but last year at this time I would have gave anything to have him with me. It seems I so easily forget that time.

So next time he does one of those things I`ll smile & thank God I have him here to do those things. There is a lonely wife out there right now who would give anything to have her husband track in dirt. If you are interested in reading post from the time Matt was gone click on Deployment on the right side under Tags.

The day he left, pretty sure I have never cried that hard in my whole life.

When he came home for R & R, we had not seen each other in 9 months.

My favorite photo of us. One of the happiest days of my life.

The HAPPIEST day of my life, his deployment was OVER!!!

I prayed every night to God to please bring him home safe. God did just that, but not everyone is so lucky. Please remember the troops & their loved ones back home.

A Weight Lifted.....

It is over! Matthew is HOME!!!! He came home Saturday morning, 4:15am actually! I woke up at 1am, got ready and made it to the Gym for the ceremony by 2:30am. I wanted a good seat ; ) Anyways they came in the Gym in formation & had MAYBE a 5 minute ceremony. Then they were released, but I could not find him. I stood up on the bleachers & searched (I told him what I was going to wear). Then finally I made eye contact with this handsome man, and I was like, "Oh, my husband!" haha

It is a GREAT feeling not to have to worry anymore! He is still quite messy but I don`t mind it. We are happily getting back to our normal life, eating meals together, walking the dogs, working out, watching TV together, just the normal everyday things you miss when your husband is half way across the world at war.

The bags sat at the bottom of the stairs for a couple days, but cleaning was the last thing on my mind!

His Welcome Home Cupcake

Sigh......oh how I missed this. I can not even explain the happiness I feel!

I guess with the moving, unpacking, waiting & finally his return, my relationship with God has taken a backseat. Horrible I know, but like I said, I`m not perfect. I love God but sometimes I let other things fill that hole that only He can fill. Anyways I was still praying here and there, thanking Him for Matt's safe return, but I knew I had wondered off again. So last night while I laid in bed I was thinking, "Tomorrow I`m starting my quite time with God again." Just feeling guilty I had not been working on my relationship. This morning Matt had to wake up at 4:45am. So when his alarm went off I couldn't fall back asleep. So I got out of bed, said goodbye to my husband and sat down and had my morning coffee. It was before 6am so the only thing on was Paid Programming. So while I`m flipping through I see Beth Moore, I love Beth Moore!!! So I stop and start watching it. She was talking about how it is okay sometimes to have your "fast food" time with God. But that we need to sit and just fellowship with him. She also talked about the Bread of Life, and that God is always there for you. Well I start balling my eyes out. Okay God got the message. I just talked to God about how sorry I was for letting my own things become more important then Him. I really needed that, I already feel the hole is starting to fill up again. It is just amazing to me how God works and how He slips into our lives when we aren`t even paying attention. He is like, "Hey over here, remember me? Yeah the guy that died for you & loves you more then anything!"

My Heart is Pounding.......

It's almost here & I can`t even believe it! I`m trying to pass the time today. I still have to sweep & clean the floors, wash the comforter & shams & shake out all the rugs. But really that is all I have left. I have been cleaning like crazy today! I even washed the mutts! I`m baking one of those big cupcakes right now.

It is crazy to think it is over. It went fast but in a way it didn`t. I want to cry because I`m just so freaking happy! Never again do I want this to happen EVER! I know I can`t control that but I hope it doesn`t! This year did suck but I did have good moments with family & friends.

This past year we got two new family members, Finley & Tim. I laid out WAY too much with Hayley as we watched the boys swim. I lived with Brannan out at the ranch, enough said! I went for coffee with Ambrey & Mom every Friday. I burned some crazy things with Court at our weekly fires. I spent whole weekends down in Sebring with my Troll (amanda). Had many fun nights in WH at Jennifer & Lauren's apartment.....which always turned into Tanners! I had many of glasses of wine with the girls I know are my real friends.

But I am happy to say goodbye to sleeping alone, paying for my own dinner, always being the third wheel, having my cell phone glued to my hand, avoiding the news, getting sympathy smiles, & all the other FUN stuff that came along!

Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick.......

Waiting, I`m not very good at it. Long amounts of time, that is fine. Smaller, not so much PLUS no TV AND all I have to talk to are 3 four legged hairy pets!

My blog I feel like was more, when something I felt like touched me or I wanted to share something. I`ll still do that, but I`m moving into the more everyday. Really just cause I have NOTHING to do now. Once Matt is home I`m not working (well cooking & cleaning & monogramming), so I`ll have a lot of time on my hands. And I`ll be away from everyone for a whole year so it is just a way for my family & friends to know what is going on up here with us. Anywho!

This is my main "on my mind" thing right now.......waiting.....sucks! But I got to keep on trucking! My really only friend here Katie (love her!) made this & the photo below with her Cricket (I want one!). She is too sweet!

Our front door.

These are all my "to do list" before he gets here. Thank Yous for birthday gift list, cooking list, cleaning list, monogram list, & call people list. And yes that is a picture of me in my Elite All-Star uniform, motivation! haha

Here are my helpful dogs.....all day they do this. Poor things, they went from 4,000 acres doing whatever they want to this! But once we get our fence up I can let them run around.

My Mom bought me this at Target from the $1.00 area. Its sunflowers! We actually planted some out front too but these are coming up fast! I`ll keep yall updated on them, hopefully I don`t kill them! I also have 2 ferns! Slowly I want to get some more plants, it will give me something to do!

KENTUCKY!

A lot has happened since my last post. I`m now FINALLY in Kentucky. I miss home & everyone BUT I`m so close to Matthew being here I can taste it : P

We left last Friday, the 9th. Stopped in Alabama for my mother's 40th college reunion. She went to Judson, which is an all girls college. My Father went to Marion Military, which back then was an all boy college. And so they met & fell in love. This is where they got engaged at, on Judson's campus.

It was the most beautiful campus I have ever been to. This was an Antebellum house that was across the street from the school. I could sit there all day & just look at it. What I wouldn`t give to fix that thing up! My vacation home can be in Marion, AL haha.

                                     

This was a HUGE magnolia tree that was on campus. I just LOVE the South! Too bad I couldn`t replant it in my little townhouse backyard!

So on Sunday we made it to my house. Then Monday was my 25th Birthday. Yeah it felt like any other day. I know from here to when we have children, birthdays are going to be boring. Anyways my parents took me to a restaurant/Primitive store called Back Home. My mom surprised me, but actually I had told Matt the whole time we were here last time I wanted to go there. It had some good food & great finds!

So we worked like crazy getting everything out of storage & to my house. My parents left Thursday and all the downstairs was done. Now the upstairs is a different story, my clothes, his clothes, my clothes, the sewing room, my clothes haha. I take up every closet & space pretty much, poor Matt. But I`m settled in for the most part. Oh, the dogs & cat! They all made it, Allie & Bama (dogs) & Kitty (well you know what she is!) have been great! I knew Kitty would be fine. But my ranch dogs have turned into house dogs very easily, actually too easily. All they do is sleep, sleep, sleep! So now I`m just waiting on the day for him to return. Cleaning, organizing & working out. I can`t believe it is finally almost over!

Blah.........

That is how I feel right now. I feel like I'm a zombie, just walking around looking for a brain to eat (gross sorry). I guess I'm in a rut with life. I'm just so ready to go, but I don't want to leave, it is a strange feeling. Don't get me wrong, I want to live with my husband. I CANT WAIT FOR THAT! Waking up to him laying in bed with me....I have waited a year for that! But last time I was there for only 4 months & it felt like a year. Now I'm going for a year and it will feel like being away from L Dubb forever! My whole family is here. The worst  is when you call home and everyone is over at Mommy & Daddy's (yes we are grown women who call our parents that) & they are all laughing in the background. Ugh. But I want to leave BAD, so that is where I get stuck. I would give ANYTHING to be with my husband again. It isn't like I don't want to go. A quote from Little Women (I love that movie) I feel fits my attitude, "I love our home, but I'm just so fitful and I can't stand being here!" Jo March. That is exactly how I feel. I love my home but I can't stand being here. I want my husband & a normal life.

I was going to write this blog all about me being torn & BLAH feeling. But while I was typing something came to mind, well someone......Jesus. This past 2 weeks since I have been home I feel like I have strayed away from God. I didn't mean to, I just have been wrapped in my, "Oh poor me" that I haven't been as focused as I was. Jesus praying in the garden came to mind (fitting with being Easter too)

Going a little ahead, he fell on his face, praying, "My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do you want?" Matthew 26:39
He then left them a second time. Again he prayed, "My Father, if there is no other way than this, drinking this cup to the dregs, I'm ready. Do it your way." Matthew 26:42

Now Jesus dieing for our sins & me moving......not a good comparison, they are NO WHERE NEAR CLOSE....at all! BUT it just makes me think, Jesus knew what he had to do. He was scared but he knew it was what has to be done. And he did it, & I'm so thankful for that! So me being sad about leaving my hometown is NOTHING compared to this. Just makes you feel like nothing & selfish. But that man who died for me cares so much about me and even my selfish ways.

The House....

We got a house!! After many phone calls (from Lake Wales & Afghanistan) to housing we finally got something. AND I didn’t have to move. We were not suppose to get a house until mid April but the people who were a head of us on the list cancelled. I had to fly up Wednesday, sign on Thursday & I flew back down Friday. Thank goodness for my one friend up there, Katie! She picked me up, let me stay with them, drove me around & dropped me off.

The house is the same house we had before (2 story townhouse, 3 bedrooms/1 & half bath). BUT the lay out is flipped. So the house is totally opposite, that is kind of weird. My parents & I are driving up the weekend of the 9th & 10th of April. I should be in Fort Knox on my 25th birthday, at least my parents will be there with me. So I have 3 full weeks & 2 weekends left in good ole' L Dubb. But I’m so ready to go now. I’ll miss home but I’m going to be living with my husband in no time & I CAN'T WAIT!!!!

I Feel Different......

When Matt left for deployment the first time I was totally broken. I could have filled up a tube with all my tears. I was depressed, mean, sad, & all those fun kinds of feelings. I was worrying about him 24/7.

When Matt left for deployment the second time I was upset, but not broken. I cried a little, but not too much. I really don`t worry about him as much.

But why? Why was it not as bad as the first time? Well when he left the first time it was gonna be 8 months till we saw each other again. When he left the second time it is only 2 1/2 months till we see each other again (as of now 52 days till I see him!!). Now don`t get me wrong, I miss my husband like crazy. I would still give anything for him to be with me right now. But I can tell a difference in me from the first time he left. And take one guess what it is.....G-O-D. When Matt left the first time God wasn`t the center of my life. I prayed every night but it was for Matt's safety. I loved God, but I wasn`t working at my relationship with him. When he left this second time I put it ALL on God. I started following my way back to the path I got lost from. I can really feel a difference. Yes I still cry sometimes, the hurt of missing my husband is still there. But I just start talking to God about it. No, God doesn`t take the pain away, but it is comforting to know He is there & that He cares.

Back To Life.....

Finally the day came : ) As you can see in the pictures, we were both VERY happy to see each other. I really didn`t know I could care for someone as much as I do for him, he has my heart <3 Okay okay no more sappy stuff! But it was a great/short two weeks. There was a lot we didn`t get to do but there was a lot we did. He got to see all his family & friends, he got to work cows, he got to ride around on the ranch, & much more. I loved the most was just doing nothing with him. Just sitting watching TV or laying in bed and talking. When I took him to the airport I got to go to the gate with him, that was nice. But then I had to walk all the way through the airport by myself crying. People must of thought I was crazy!

I did not want him to leave, but with him leaving meant we are so close to him being back for good. We are at a little under 3 months till he is home again! Wow....this year has gone by.....I`m happy with that! Now it is back to work, cheerleading & all my other daily things. I miss him so much. Just the little things like holding hands & stuff like that (sigh). But I have to say, this time will fly by till I see him again. I`ll be moving in April, so now my mode is packing!

Tomorrow

Beside the day I actually got to call myself Mrs. Matthew Brown AND beside the day we have out children. Tomorrow will be the best day of my life. I`m going to hold that day in my heart forever (Really in April when he is back for good will be the best day, but lets be thankful for this hurdle we have came to). In a little over 24 hours I`ll be hugging my husband who I haven`t seen in 8 months 14 days. FINALLY : ) So this is my last blog for a good two weeks. I hope time slows WAY down!

Thanks everyone who has been there for Matthew & I. A BIG thanks to God, who got us & our marriage through this!

When He Proposed.......

I wasn`t in total shock when Matthew proposed. He had decided to join the army @ the start of May. So we talked and we decided we would get married before he got to his duty statation. Which we figured was November or December. I had printed out the type of stone I wanted, emerald cut. So I knew it was going to happen in those 2 weeks before he left, I just didn`t know when. But I wan`t like on my toes the whole time or anything like that.

The day was May 16, a Friday. I wasn`t in the best of moods because of work when I talked on the phone with him. In my head I was thinking, "he is being weird". Usually he doesn`t care if I am in a bad mood, but he was trying to cheer me up & kept saying, "don`t be mad." WAY in the back of my head I thought, "I wonder if he was going to propose?". But the thought quickly left. So I got off work and headed out to the ranch. When I got there Matt asked if I wanted to go fishing, I said yes and went inside and changed. So we headed down to the lake, parked, got out & started fishing. I lost my fake worm, he said he would put it on for me. I walked over to the back of the truck & Matthew was on one knee with the tackle box sitting on the bed of the truck. I proceed to say, "why are you on your knee, those are good jeans, you are getting them dirty?!" He just ignored me & told me to get the worm out of the tackle box for him, he said it was all the way at the bottom. I still didn`t know what was going on hahaha. SO I opened it, nothing was in it, so I opened the bottom, and there was a little black box. I started crying, he asked I said yes & that's it : )

1 day : ) Afghanistan is 9 & a half hours ahead of us. So Matthew is leaving on the 9th there. His Friday right now is pretty much over, (8:38am here) it is about 6pm there right now. He should be getting here Monday, we think.

I`m Going to Say Sorry NOW.....

When I am anxious, I shut down, I won`t talk (maybe one word answers) & I`m kind of mean. The best I can explain is, it is like how I acted before I had to do a dance @ the basketball games. I don`t like to do cheerleading dances (now give me a drink & a country band & I`m out there!!). So before we would dance @ halftime I was in a horrible mood. I would not talk to anyone. I most likely answered everyone with, "I don`t know".

So if you see me or talk to me before Matthew gets here, I`m most likely going to be like that. I don`t mean to come across rude. I`m just SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO anxious, & it really is better for me to be alone. SO I`m going to say sorry now to anyone I see or talk to! I`m not mad at anyone. I`m just going crazy waiting around! I`ll be back to normal when I get to see my handsome husbands face : )

Steak & Shake

I missed a day, which is kinda good because I was actually busy! So just to catch yall up yesterday was 3 days : )

It was fall, & it actually was quite cool (which isn`t normal here in Florida!). We skipped our classes & went to Lakeland to get his truck worked on. The place was closed, so we went to the Steak & Shake where it is just the drive through. We ate outside & just laughed and talked.

That's it. Really that is one of my favorite memories of Matt. Just the feeling of it just being us & we had no worries back then (other then skipping school). That is my go to memory when I`m feeling sad. I wish SO BAD I could be there with him @ that Steak and Shake just eating fries and talking about nothing.

2 days : )

When We Got Back Together

Okay okay, Matt dumped me once......jerk haha. I always tell him even we are 90 years old, I`ll still bring it up. I always joke, "Yeah well you dumped me". Anywho, we had dated I think about 4 to 5 months. It was summer time and he moved back to Lakeland. I was here in Lake Wales. But every weekend we hung out. Then one weekend he stayed here with me, it happened. We had just woke up & I could tell something was wrong. He said those un-fun words. I was heart broken. Ugh...those 2 months sucked. But I knew in my heart he was the one, so I waited.

School was about to start and I didn`t want any awkwardness so I e-mailed him and said call me. I was gonna tell him I was totally over it (I wasn`t) and that it wasn`t a big deal (it was) and that I wasn`t waiting around for him anymore (but I was). I was trying to play it cool. So he called me but I was coming home from somewhere & said I`ll call ya back later. And I did, I was actually getting ready to go have dinner with my sister. So I told him I needed to tell him something, & he said he had something to tell me. I told him to go first. I was totally blown out of the water. He said he loved me, regretted breaking up with me & pretty much asking me to be with him forever. I didn`t say a word, I was about to tell him I was over him and here he is telling me he wanted to be with me. That was God stepping in there. I knew in my heart I was suppose to be with Matthew, but I wasn`t gonna force it on him. But God knew what He was doing! So from there on we were always together. Funny how you get to that low point and God picks you right up. I`m not a Grey's Anatomy person at all but I heard this quote right after he told me & it is SOOOOO true. Meredith Grey: "At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away." That couldn`t explain it better : )

4 Days

First Time We Talked in Person....

The first time we talked in person is actually quite a funny event. By this time my other relationship had ended and most everyone knew. BUT only a few knew that Matthew & I had started "talking". After our phone conversation, I told him I would go to his baseball game and he has said he was coming to watch me cheer @ the basketball game. So I went to his game & then left to go cheer. He came to the basketball game but left early before we got to talk. I was pissed! I was just thinking, "well what the heck?". The game is over and he had not came back, so I start to walk to my car. Well one of my guys friends I guess had a crush on me and started walking with me and started to ask me out on a date. I was half listening because I was looking all over the parking lot for Matthew. I was a little thrown from his question, I`m not even sure if I answered him because I was alittle shocked! I some how just said no, but in a nice way and started running to my car.

Well guess who was waiting by my car, Matt Brown : ) He was wearing jeans (AE, yeah it is funny he ever wore those types of clothes now!) & one of those "baseball" shirt, it was white & blue. He had went home to change and take a shower, explains why he left early. So we talked, couldn`t tell you one word of what it was. All I remember was he went to hug me. **Disclaimer** I`m not a hugger, at all! We just don`t do that in my family. There are few people I hug always" My Grandma, Colton, Grady & Finley. I will SOMETIMES hug my parents. I have never hugged my sisters, EVER. It's a running joke with my friends, don`t touch ML. So if you go to hug me and I act weird, it's because it is weird to me. I would rather shake hands** So I was TOTALLY thrown off and it was one of the most awkward moments. He says he thought at that time that I didn`t like him since I was acting weird. It is just one of those moments you look back @ and laugh.

5 days : )

First Time I Heard His Voice....

If you follow my blog (I know there are so many of yall!) you have read "The Boy Sitting on the Cooler". If you haven`t go back down and read it, it explains how Matt & I started dating.

Anywho, we had e-mailed back and forth for awhile. I gave him my number & then waited....and waited....you get the point. I`m not patient at all, so I said, "Screw it, I`m calling him!". So I called a friend who dated one of Matt's friends and got the number. Now Matt swears he tried calling but I must have gave him the wrong number he says, whatever haha. So I called him and this southern accent came across the other end. My heart melted : ) I remember being like, "You grew up in Florida, right?" and he said, "yes". I go to Alabama every summer, & my mother was born and raised there. But he has the accent, not fair.

EVERY TIME someone in my family/my friends goes to tell a story about Matt, when they get to the talking part they ALWAYS talk with a southern accent. And he doesn`t understand why?! Being in the Army he meets lots of people. And no one ever believes him that he is from Florida. He says, "People always make me sound dumb (say it with the accent)!" But I love it! I remembering being like in my head, "cute & southern accent.....I`m done!"

6 Days : )

And the Count Down Begins......

Matthew will be home in 8 days.....well in 10 minutes it will be 7 days (1 week)! I can`t even explain it to you how I feel. We have not seen each other in 8 MONTHS! We have been together 4 years & going 8 months without seeing him is killing me! Going from everyday to nothing, yeah it sucks, take my word for it. 8 months with out kissing & other married people stuff (wink wink), I hope I`m still good lol. I feel like I might be alittle rusty, but I`m sure we can pick up where we left off! Sorry yall I`m married & love my husband, I`m allowed to talk about it ; )

This week is gonna be the LONGEST week of my life (add only getting on Facebook once a week), I`m gonna be NUTS! So I have decided to blog about favorite memories I have about Matthew. I know yall are on the edge of your seats for this haha. But I got to kill time some how!

P.S. Shout out to my team....WAR EAGLE! Outback champs! What a game!

Give Thanks

I want to say thank you for all mine & Matt's friends that have been there for both of us.

Thanks for ever text-ing, writing a card/letter, sending a box or praying for him. He really does appreciate it. Thanks for being there for me yall. I really can`t tell ya how important it was to me to have that "group of people" I could be comfortable with and just hang out. Thanks for praying for me too. Besides our families, yall made my time waiting for my husband fly by. I love my girls! Yall picked me up even on days I know no one knew I was upset. I love yall boys (I know Matt does too)! Yall were my "body guards" and a reminder that Matt grew up with some great guys! Everyone of yall helped me in some way or another. So I say THANKS!!!!! Yall are a great group of friends!

20% There, 100% Love

When Matt comes home at the end of April 2010, he will have been in the Army 2 years. In those two years, we will have been around each other 5 1/2 months.......yeah I know.

He went to basic first in OK, I saw him maybe 3 days when he graduated. Then he went to Maryland for AIT, I saw him 2 days there. He came home for a holiday for 3 days. Then he came home for 2 weeks for the wedding and honeymoon. That is around 3 weeks. Then we lived together for 4 months. He was then deployed. Then in January he gets his R & R which is like 2 weeks.

Now I know it is sad that I have only seen my husband that much in 2 years. And if you would have ever told me that before I met Matthew, I would have thought, "well that wouldn`t have worked out". But my love for him has not changed since that first day. It doesn`t even phase me too. I`m just so thankful God sent me Matthew. There is no one else other then him that I could have done this with. My love for him has gone beyond what I ever thought I could do. It just shows me that God really knew what he was doing.

God is Banging on my Door!

I talked to Matthew on Thursday before I left for Auburn. I waited all weekend for a call but.....nothing. I texted (not sure if that is correct English??) him and usually he will text me saying, "Calm down, I`m fine, call you when I can," but.....nothing. So Sunday night I was WAY worried. Now, I`m not always worried about him, just some days are worse then others, and this was one of those days! So I laid in my bed and balled my eyes out, usually the only place I like to cry. I just prayed and prayed to God. "Please keep him safe and please let me hear from him soon" I prayed for probably 5 minutes. Then I heard my text alert go off. It was Matthew saying, "I love you. Glad your home, everything is fine." Then I started crying harder. I was pouring my heart out to God, and He took care of me. This is the second time this week that I just felt like God was talking RIGHT TO ME!

So God, you have my attention! I already felt last week that I needed to try harder at being a better Christian but WOW now I just feel rude if I didn`t! Even though I feel alone, like the third wheel, like everyone's lives are going on like normal and mine's on hold, that my best friend is not here to confide in & kiss......even though I feel like I`m on my own, I have God. He is always there listening to me and watching me. (sigh) He is such a great Man!